Shops and Retail Therapy - an Author's Antidote - very short humorous story vignette by online writer Rob Hopcott

My wife likes to go shopping. For her it's the equivalent of a round of golf or a game of tennis. She loves the hustle and bustle, the smart ambiance and the new smells and scents. For me, it's like taking a bath in creosote.

But I try to show willing every now and then, and off we go to the local shops mecca. We usually take the camper van because it's got more room in it for the low priced bargains she's confident she'll find, whether or not we actually need them.

The problem is that, being an author, whenever I go somewhere different from my usual haunts, my creative writing mind goes into overdrive.

As we enter shops, the witty quips just burst out of me. (Well I think their witty.)

For example, I go up to the ladies at the checkout and ask them loudly:

"Am I right there's special discounts today?" The shoppers all around prick up their ears with interest.

The ladies look puzzled. Sorry sir, what do you mean?

"Oh, I heard that today you're doing two smiles for the price of one!"

They usually decide that I'm a secret shopper, testing their customer relationship skills, so they smile demurely (even the blokes) and say they will always have a smile for me.

My wife, by this time, being a shy person who likes to melt into the background, is about ready to fall through the floor with embarrassment. I can't imagine why, although I do, on account of being an amateur saxophone player, have an extremely good pair of lungs and a loud voice.

I also have this maddening (for her) habit of stopping dead in the middle of the street and pulling out my writer's pocket journal to record my latest story idea. If I don't, it's usually quickly replaced by a new one, causing me to forget both, when I'm next staring at a blank keyboard. So, while I'm happily scribbling, the crowds are crashing into each other around me and my wife is dying a million deaths again of embarrassment.

Her usual strategy is to carry on walking and pretend not to be with this excitable, tall, curly-haired man with a wild look in his eye, who's madly writing and talking to himself.

Of course, I've taken her to task for this completely disloyal behaviour.

"You'll want to know me when I'm famous and internationally regarded as the best on-line author on the Internet. You'll want to know me then! You'll want to be there when I get invited to Buckingham Palace to be knighted."

To give my wife her due, she did try to stay with me when I stopped dead and started scribbling the last time we visited the shops in the High Street.

But her support for me didn't last long.

Unfortunately, I get this rush of excitement when I think the idea I've just written down for a story is really good.

Loyally, she stood waiting besides her husband, even though I wrote feverishly for a whole five minutes.

Then I think I broke her spirit.

I started laughing with joy and punching the air!

The End

Rob Hopcott

(On-line author - fiction - news)

Copyright Rob Hopcott 2007. All characters in this humorous shops and shopping very short story humorous vignette and other free on-line short stories, flash fictions, micro-fictions, sudden fictions or very short stories on this site are fictitious and no reference is intended to any person living or otherwise.